The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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