You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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