omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
