Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
