In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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