I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
