We're facebook friends in real life
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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