like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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