I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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