I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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