I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize