i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
