i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
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