No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
