I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
