They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
