I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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