I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
