Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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