Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
