just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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