Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
