What did we do last night that was yellow?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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