On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
