bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
