I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
