she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
