i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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