I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize