i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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