Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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