You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize