never play flip cup with pint glasses
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
