just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
