Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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