He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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