Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
