Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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