just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
