found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize