Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
