No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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