It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
