so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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