why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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