I CAN MOONWALK!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize