Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
