I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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