I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
