Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
