I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You can't just leave with hair like that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
