I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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