We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
