It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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