it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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