well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
