Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
