I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
