You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
