Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
