saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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