We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
