Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
