Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He passed out mid-signature
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
