If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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