is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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